I Don't Always Feel Feminin In My Skin
I remember the feeling of wearing stockings and a dress as a little girl. Even as a teen. I loved how free it made me feel compared to the usual tight jeans. But growing up I remember sometimes feeling wrong in a dress, not feminine enough for a pair of heels, and overall just getting these glimpse of being too strong of a character. As a teenager it came to show when I never really seemed to be in luck with the guys I liked. I always felt too strong for many of the guys I found attractive, and obviously I didn’t end up with any of them anyway. It came to show when I got drunk with my friends and acted more like the guys than the girls. And it came to show when I always wanted to discuss subjects in university, because I had a strong opinion of how to do tasks efficient and correct.
I’m a curvy woman, my arms are a little bigger than I would like, my face a little rounder than I would like, and my teeth not straight enough in my mind. But it’s not only about my appearance, it’s also just this inner feeling of masculinity. Not that I’m suddenly a man, and not a woman, but I have a lot of masculine strengths. Growing up I never knew that personality traits and masculine vs. feminine strengths had to do with how I sometimes felt, but I’ve come to learn, that this is why. I think, I just got comfortable with knowing who I am, and running with it. Using my strengths in business has been very successful, because my belief of being able to do certain things my way for example brought me to a cool internship in New York City, and it later on gave me the opportunity to actually stay in New York City and call this amazing place my home. Feeling comfortable in my masculine strengths also made it possible for me to connect with the man I have now called my boyfriend for almost 4 years. But feeling that masculine strength also has made me question (many times) if I’m feminine enough? If I can look good in heels? If I am truly beautiful, and not just buff like my mind would tell me?
A couple of years ago I purchased Mimi Ikonn’s Bingo Theory, because 1) I look up to her attitude in life, and 2) because she and her husband, Alex Ikonn, has build such an empire as entrepreneurs, which I believe I can only learn from. Bingo Theory is the reason why I learned about masculine vs. feminine energy, and I’m certainly not going to try to explain it as well as Mimi does in her book, so instead I’ll insert her own words: “Every single human on this planet has two energies living within them: the masculine and the feminine.The masculine energy helps us to operate in the outer world; it makes us strong, independent, and confident. The feminine energy, on the other hand, helps us love and connect to others. It's what makes us creative and intuitive.” The whole reason why I’ve been thinking about all this now, is because I also listened to the Ikonn’s podcast’s episode on Balancing Your Masculine and Feminine Energy, and it completely brought me to a place of further understanding of myself. Not that I forgot after reading Bingo Theory a couple of years ago, but the refresher on the subject came at a good time.
Lately, I’ve been struggling with practicing gratefulness, it’s been hard for me to compliment myself, and I’ve just been kind of negative. I know I have to work with that, and understanding myself completely is the first step. After that comes understanding my surroundings. It makes sense to me, that I sometimes feel less like the traditional woman, whom we as a society see as feminine and beautiful, she has a pretty smile, a pep in her step and she’s graceful. I’m not all of that, but that’s okay, because I’m my own mix of feminine and masculine energies and they make me, me.